three things

1. i bought a domain! we have a name, and will have a website soon.
2. i made cupcakes for the baby shower last weekend and forgot to add the flour.
3. a coworker had a choice between my chocolate nutella cupcakes and store bought white cake with sugar frosting. she chose the store bought cake.

the neglectful blogger

i am always thinking of things to write about, in fact before i started a blog i had a list of things i wanted to talk about. it's like the minute i hit the create button my mind cleared of any meaningful thing i wanted to say.

i need to make the effort, because even if what i say isn't interesting to other people, someday it will be a recorded history for myself. and that is important.

so i've been thinking of several new topics....ranging from new years resolutions (mine is officially learning to knit) to reconnecting with old friends (hello, facebook). i even thought about starting to blog about exercising, the thought being that if someone, anyone, was reading about it i would be more accountable and follow through. then i got into the pool and nearly choked and died and thought, what a short entry! i am working at the more movement in my life part, but you don't get to read about it yet! and i am going to learn to knit, i found the place that's going to teach me, all i need to to is show up!

so what does that leave? besides my kid, or dogs, and if you ever talk to me your sure to hear about one or the other....and while i value the importance of recording a child's life, i do it in pictures more than words.

ok so that leaves us with?

cupcakes.

my dream is shared with my friend (best? dear? good? who cares, right?) tia. it is a simple dream.

people should not have to be forced to eat that white/chocolate processed thing they call a cupcake from the local supermarket bakery. if i'm going use my caloric intake on cake i want it to be something i remember. an actual flavor. not just white mush that coats my teeth in sugar and i feel guilt for eating the rest of the day. i want a flavor that stands out, that i recognize, that i crave again and again. and hopefully, something people will want to tell other people about, and share with their family and friends.

obviously the ideal plan would include quitting our jobs, renting some space in a prime location, and selling out on the first day we open, and every day after that, therefore securing our financial futures. i know, right? not gonna happen. then it came to a good friend of mine while she showered (i love to be in peoples thoughts while they shower)....something online. catering to any event with a set menu of flavors, ordered in advance and delivered by us to them, at a fraction of the price the fancy cupcakeries charge, but still with amazing flavors. what a perfect place to jump in! so, as of right now we are searching out the perfect domain name, and i am signing up for cake decorating, and thoughts and ideas are getting tossed around like crazy. this weekend tia is planning to make the best ever lemon cake and i will be delivering nutella frosting with a little cake underneath to my favorite mamatobe.
who knows if it will work out in the end, but i have to try, right?
*Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure. ~G. Woodberry*

life is sweet.

Create your own

the perfect mom

in a recent conversation with a newmommytobe, she confessed guilty feelings over longing for a cigarette. she quit cold turkey when she found out she was pregnant. i have never been a smoker, but i HAVE been many other things. the conversation we had made me start feeling kind of like i knew what i was talking about, at least in the way of parental guilt.

being a mom, even the best mom, doesn't mean that you will never want to do anything like smoke, or drink, or buy yourself something, ever again. it just means that you will think of someone else at the same time. you know? i've had 13 years to figure out that i will never have it figured out. i've been a mostly good mom, with moments of terrible mixed in. i've yelled when i shouldn't have, spanked even though your not supposed to admit it. just the other day i lost it, in a big way in an extremely stressful moment. i couldn't even get mad, that's how mad i was. i cried. sobbed. and told my daughter what a selfish spoiled greedy person she is and i sacrificed blahblahblah and never get to blahblahblah through the tears. and she sat there and stared at me. the whole time i was thinking ohmygod! shut up! you are the mom. you're supposed to WANT to do those things right? and never make kids feel guilty while you do it! but sometimes it just comes out.

is there some parental gene that i missed by getting pregnant at such a young age? the one that makes you happily give up any wants or desires for things that good parents shouldn't want to do? i don't think this is true. and while i might have whined and dragged my feet harder than someone who had their teenage years to enjoy getting to know themselves, i still feel that even the best of parents sometimes wants to do things for themselves, even if its selfish. i think the difference between my meltdown right in front of my child, and keeping your desire secret is where my problem, or difference, may lie. your supposed to want it secretly, or confess to a friend, but neverever guilt the actual child in question about their existence causing you to give up something you desire.

the thing is, she hugged me. and patted my back while i cried. even though she turned around and asked me for some overpriced piece of garbage from the mall in the same breath, and expects that i will gladly give up every friday night to ferry her and her friends to and from skating, she still consoled me. and that alone speaks volumes about the kind of good mom that you can turn out to be, even when your not looking.

she knows that i am human. and that's the most important thing. she knows i made and continue to make, mistakes. lots of them. but i ADMIT them and deal with them. and try not to repeat.


you are still human, even if you are a mommy. mommies are human. with weaknesses and cravings, and wants, and needs. just like notmommies. and even through that, we still manage to be good moms.

mean girl

i have always taken pride in being the girl who will say what others were thinking. of being outspoken. honest, even brutally so. straightforward. i always so what's on my mind. and if for some reason i don't, word vomit could happen at any minute.

so. does that make me mean? does it make me unkind? should i censor myself for some people and not for others? does the degree that i care about a person dictate how much i hold back?

is it the way i say something, the tone of voice? the words i use? or that i say anything at all?

i always think of a little plaque i bought for a former coworker and good friend. it says

"if you don't have anything nice to say, sit by me".
i don't think that i want to sit by people who only have something mean to say, but people who do have something to say. not the person the doesn't have anything to say, or is too scared to share it.

i have been told over and over recently that i should 'be kind to the people i care about' and i think that i am. i don't think giving an opinion on something makes me unkind. maybe giving it does make me mean? am i allowed to have one, just not share it? or only share it if it's nice and positive. because i do have plenty of those too...

are you more open with judgement among your family and friends? are you more comfortable telling someone you care about something they might not like to hear, or telling a total stranger?

shouldn't you be able to say what you're thinking to the people that you share your life with? even if they might not like what you are saying. isn't that what sharing a life is about?