Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
the perfect mom
in a recent conversation with a newmommytobe, she confessed guilty feelings over longing for a cigarette. she quit cold turkey when she found out she was pregnant. i have never been a smoker, but i HAVE been many other things. the conversation we had made me start feeling kind of like i knew what i was talking about, at least in the way of parental guilt.
being a mom, even the best mom, doesn't mean that you will never want to do anything like smoke, or drink, or buy yourself something, ever again. it just means that you will think of someone else at the same time. you know? i've had 13 years to figure out that i will never have it figured out. i've been a mostly good mom, with moments of terrible mixed in. i've yelled when i shouldn't have, spanked even though your not supposed to admit it. just the other day i lost it, in a big way in an extremely stressful moment. i couldn't even get mad, that's how mad i was. i cried. sobbed. and told my daughter what a selfish spoiled greedy person she is and i sacrificed blahblahblah and never get to blahblahblah through the tears. and she sat there and stared at me. the whole time i was thinking ohmygod! shut up! you are the mom. you're supposed to WANT to do those things right? and never make kids feel guilty while you do it! but sometimes it just comes out.
is there some parental gene that i missed by getting pregnant at such a young age? the one that makes you happily give up any wants or desires for things that good parents shouldn't want to do? i don't think this is true. and while i might have whined and dragged my feet harder than someone who had their teenage years to enjoy getting to know themselves, i still feel that even the best of parents sometimes wants to do things for themselves, even if its selfish. i think the difference between my meltdown right in front of my child, and keeping your desire secret is where my problem, or difference, may lie. your supposed to want it secretly, or confess to a friend, but neverever guilt the actual child in question about their existence causing you to give up something you desire.
the thing is, she hugged me. and patted my back while i cried. even though she turned around and asked me for some overpriced piece of garbage from the mall in the same breath, and expects that i will gladly give up every friday night to ferry her and her friends to and from skating, she still consoled me. and that alone speaks volumes about the kind of good mom that you can turn out to be, even when your not looking.
she knows that i am human. and that's the most important thing. she knows i made and continue to make, mistakes. lots of them. but i ADMIT them and deal with them. and try not to repeat.
you are still human, even if you are a mommy. mommies are human. with weaknesses and cravings, and wants, and needs. just like notmommies. and even through that, we still manage to be good moms.
being a mom, even the best mom, doesn't mean that you will never want to do anything like smoke, or drink, or buy yourself something, ever again. it just means that you will think of someone else at the same time. you know? i've had 13 years to figure out that i will never have it figured out. i've been a mostly good mom, with moments of terrible mixed in. i've yelled when i shouldn't have, spanked even though your not supposed to admit it. just the other day i lost it, in a big way in an extremely stressful moment. i couldn't even get mad, that's how mad i was. i cried. sobbed. and told my daughter what a selfish spoiled greedy person she is and i sacrificed blahblahblah and never get to blahblahblah through the tears. and she sat there and stared at me. the whole time i was thinking ohmygod! shut up! you are the mom. you're supposed to WANT to do those things right? and never make kids feel guilty while you do it! but sometimes it just comes out.
is there some parental gene that i missed by getting pregnant at such a young age? the one that makes you happily give up any wants or desires for things that good parents shouldn't want to do? i don't think this is true. and while i might have whined and dragged my feet harder than someone who had their teenage years to enjoy getting to know themselves, i still feel that even the best of parents sometimes wants to do things for themselves, even if its selfish. i think the difference between my meltdown right in front of my child, and keeping your desire secret is where my problem, or difference, may lie. your supposed to want it secretly, or confess to a friend, but neverever guilt the actual child in question about their existence causing you to give up something you desire.
the thing is, she hugged me. and patted my back while i cried. even though she turned around and asked me for some overpriced piece of garbage from the mall in the same breath, and expects that i will gladly give up every friday night to ferry her and her friends to and from skating, she still consoled me. and that alone speaks volumes about the kind of good mom that you can turn out to be, even when your not looking.
she knows that i am human. and that's the most important thing. she knows i made and continue to make, mistakes. lots of them. but i ADMIT them and deal with them. and try not to repeat.
you are still human, even if you are a mommy. mommies are human. with weaknesses and cravings, and wants, and needs. just like notmommies. and even through that, we still manage to be good moms.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
mean girl
i have always taken pride in being the girl who will say what others were thinking. of being outspoken. honest, even brutally so. straightforward. i always so what's on my mind. and if for some reason i don't, word vomit could happen at any minute.
so. does that make me mean? does it make me unkind? should i censor myself for some people and not for others? does the degree that i care about a person dictate how much i hold back?
is it the way i say something, the tone of voice? the words i use? or that i say anything at all?
i always think of a little plaque i bought for a former coworker and good friend. it says
"if you don't have anything nice to say, sit by me".
i don't think that i want to sit by people who only have something mean to say, but people who do have something to say. not the person the doesn't have anything to say, or is too scared to share it.
i don't think that i want to sit by people who only have something mean to say, but people who do have something to say. not the person the doesn't have anything to say, or is too scared to share it.
i have been told over and over recently that i should 'be kind to the people i care about' and i think that i am. i don't think giving an opinion on something makes me unkind. maybe giving it does make me mean? am i allowed to have one, just not share it? or only share it if it's nice and positive. because i do have plenty of those too...
are you more open with judgement among your family and friends? are you more comfortable telling someone you care about something they might not like to hear, or telling a total stranger?
shouldn't you be able to say what you're thinking to the people that you share your life with? even if they might not like what you are saying. isn't that what sharing a life is about?
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